ascent continues-10

I am consistently awed by God’s presence and revelation during our quiet times together. (If you’re just joining me, I’m documenting a pilgrimage I’m experiencing as I work the Beth Moore Bible Study Psalms of Ascent. I daily walk down to the basement and lay down humbly before the Father. I call this self-abasement.)

This morning I spent the majority of the time crying. I feel so unworthy of God’s grace and presence…why would our amazing God want to spend time with me and bless me so abundantly. Modeled from a previous vision, I have been placing my hands upon God’s feet. This morning His feet turned 90 degrees and asked me to face the same direction. I turned and saw the sun rise in the east. Attached to the sun, and looking like a hot air balloon, was a mattress with a mystery person upon the bed. Watch the sun (the Son) rise and raise the sick with Him. Keep your eyes upon Jesus and watch Him do the work of healing. God spoke the words to me…"I anoint you with the gift of healing…guard your gift…keep your eyes on Jesus". I immediately dismissed this as “wishful thinking” but God repeated His words. I receive that Lord! Lord, all I can do is humbly submit to You each day and use my Spirit-led heart and hands to minister wherever You place me. Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”

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In the middle of the amazing pilgrimage God has blessed me with, I was even more blessed with an exciting week's vacation in San Diego. I continued my study but didn't bring my electronic connections to the world so no blogs for awhile. I have quite a bit to update so let me see how I can document this simply.

Oppression (Psalm 129)- The topic of oppression screamed out over a few days...not external oppression but the kind that is generated from within. I saw the depths of my own self-idolatry, self-pity, self-shame. I half-laughed as I browsed through a San Diego magazine where 80% of the printing was geared toward plastic surgery, liposuction, skin rejuvination, etc. As I read through the ads I began wondering what I should do first? Liposuction probably...just start sculpting away. When will I ever be free from the urge to upgrade my body, my looks? It has indeed been a life long place of oppression. In Beth Moore's study she wrote of birds...God made birds to be free...I have been made to be free. I need to mend these broken wings that have constricted my ability to be free. Do I want to pose for the world or for God? Here lies the healing from this oppression, 1Corinthians 3:18 "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." I need to pose for the Lord, letting His light shine through me. Who needs lipo when I can be transformed into His likeness. Why would anyone even want to look to the physical body when they can see the reflection of the Lord on the face...through the eyes.

In these same reflections, I was reminded of a very disturbing dream I had years ago. I was plunged deep into a hole in a wall. It felt like death and eternal separation from God. I could still remember the fear I felt as I realized I would be imprisoned and alone for eternity. But this day, God gave me a vision of release from the hole...from the oppression. I felt freedom!

The Robe - As I continued my work of laying before the Lord, I had a vision of my hands at His feet. He told me to grab His robe. I immediately thought of the woman who grabbed hold of Jesus' robe and she was healed. To her, Jesus said, "your faith has healed you." As I grabbed hold of God's robe in my vision I realized there was no robe in the front where I reached. Hmmm..."Now faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see". Perhaps I am to prepare for an encounter requiring deep faith. I looked up the priest's garments to see if there was any correlation with my vision. (I just reread that sentence and it sounds crude:) I went to my Bible and found Scripture related to the priestly garments (much better) Ah...Exodus 28:31-32 "Make the robe of the ephod entirely of blue cloth, with an opening for the head in its center." I wonder if this opening continued down the front as my vision revealed? Not only was my heart blessed by the message of 'faith without sight' but it was also a very intimate moment with God.

The Hand - this reflection with God made me tremble with joy. As I was on the floor laying humbly and praisefully before God He reached out His hand to me and asked me to stand up. I stood and He put His palms out for me to touch...ten fingers and palms placed against my ten fingers and palms. At that moment our hearts visually became one. He moved His hand and placed it upon my head and said "From my hand to your hands...I will pour My healing power." (I've always asked God for His power and anointing to heal so I wanted this to mean that God would be granting this anointing...only time will tell.) I wiped some of my own tears from my face and then held out my palms to God. Two huge tears fell from Him and landed in my hands. "I am saddened and grieved by the sufferings of this world." I poured the tears around me in a complete circle and the compassionate feelings of the Lord encircled me and grew up into me. I am to see/feel the sufferings of the world with the same heart of God. In regard to healing God said, "He will tell me when healings are being done." He will be present as I minister healing...from His right hand to my hands and an assurance from His voice. Thank You Lord...I receive that. I laid down again and praised and thanked God. Praise you Father, praise You!!!

Delight...Delight!!!

Thank You God for a delightful vacation! Here are some pics from the San Diego trip...


















There were coastal vistas, beautiful/colorful flowers, fishing, kayaking, ballooning, hiking, sea lions, pelicans, leopard sharks, tide pools, great food and lots of relaxation, peace and joy!

Delight in abundance!

And one more thing...here is a documented Betty Boop sighting in Coronado...tag you're it Eric!

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God is amazing! The message He used to bring healing during my recent prayer time parallels the Beth Moore Bible study I'm continuing. Passover was the key in the prayer time. The day after Passover begins the Feast of Unleavened Bread and that is exactly where I am in the study. What a journey! The Feast of Unleavened Bread for me, will signify putting off the old, evil desires and putting on new, righteous desires. Ephesians 4:22-24 "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." The leaven symbolizes the evil and corrupted so that's got to go! The feast lasted 7 days days so I'm going to spend the next 7 days working Eph. 4:22-24 in whatever way God brings conviction.

ascent continues -prayer

If you read my last post you read about the vision of the gray sloth-man and how I was awaiting prayers with Kristy to get some deliverance from that. Today was the day! During my self-abasement I tried to prepare my heart for the prayer time with praise, petition and confession. God spoke 2 things to me..."grace" and "you're going to be wowed". Well I was indeed wowed and the word "grace" was part of an astounding revelation...let me explain.

Prayer begins. Kristy asked God to bring back the vision of the gray sloth-man...I tried to re-envision that but instead the man melted into a pool of gray slime, flooding the ground. I was reminded of a favorite scene from the movie, "The Passion of the Christ" when Mary passionately wiped up Jesus' blood from the ground...precious blood! Isn't it just like the enemy to impersonate our Lord. I was being slimed by the enemies blood. Kristy felt prompted to discover what was underneath that gray. She discerned it was fear. Over and over she would be hearing God focus on fear. I couldn't connect with fear (although I did think the enemy feared what was under that slime). Perhaps the renewed passion for the Lord and His Kingdom I seek is under there? Kristy led me to think about Kathy the child...was the fear there? I saw myself as a child smashed between two boards, immobilized, stuck. I had a paintbrush in my hand painting with the gray slime. I didn't feel fear but an odd sense of acceptance...this was my lot in life. I was sexually abused as a child and already knew that could be a part of the stronghold I was living within (or I should say dying within). Through all of my past recovery work and spiritual rebirth (praise God) I know I don't have fear in my spirit or emotions. I know I am secure in Christ. Today was an unfolding of the unspoken, unknown fear within the physical realm. I didn't realize that I had a disconnect here. At one point in the prayer I knew...Kristy knew...that I'd have to revisit the abuse to get connected with the fear and ask for deliverance and healing from that. I was ready to confront that horror - that trauma but it didn't happen. I was receiving healing from that physical fear without having to relive the experience (hmmm, that's not what I'd been told in healing prayer classes). The healing vision God gave to me was "painting my doorpost (with that same paintbrush) with the true blood of Christ" This was now the time for my body to be delivered from fear and anything that came to bring harm, despair and death by the blood of Christ. All things evil must Passover me!!! The physical realm of Kathy was being reconnected with the truth and with the already transformed heart/mind and spirit of Kathy. I love that Passover was just prior to the Israelites deliverance...and isn't that what I was seeking today. At this point God was willing to unveil what was underneath that gray slime. He washed it away and covered it by the true blood of Christ. What emerged was my heart...a large, red, robust, intensely beating heart. His hands embraced it and infused His Spirit and power and goodness into me. That absolutely symbolized to me the unveiling and impartation of a renewed passion for Christ and His Kingdom. Anything that was hindering me was Passing-over and the fullness of His presence within could be expressed. My words here can't even come close to the actual prayer experiences but I know that I know that I was delivered today...He began a new work within me. AMEN!!!

During the very last sentences of the prayer, an ice cream truck with it's joyful melody drove by the house. I delight in the most joyful, happy memory as a child of hearing the ice cream truck coming. The passion explodes within your heart and nothing will stop you from pursuing that treat. Quick get mom's approval, get the cash and run and stop that truck! I have that childlike joy right now!!! Praise God.

Finally I must mention where God's word "grace" fits in. After prayer Kristy and I discussed my inability to get in touch with or experience the childhood abuse. At that moment I realized, that protection was God's hand of grace...God blocked those feelings and healed me without recounting the trauma. I was overwhelmed with emotion as I realized what God did. He never meant for that to happen to me, His child, the first time around...why would He allow it a second time.

I am so thankful to have a deeply spiritual and gifted friend to lead me through a very intense and difficult prayer time. Kristy is so in tune with the Spirit that she moved our prayer time with the skill of master conductor. The tempo was amazingly perfect...the pauses for reflection were timed with precision. The ebb and flow of the experience was something only God could orchestrate and thank you Kristy, that you were listening!!!

Thank You God for this journey and this healing today...I am indeed overwhelmed by Your creative, healing presence.

I'm about halfway through the Bible study and my journey upwards...I can't wait to see what God has in store for the new me!

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Before beginning day 13 let me provide a brief recap. I am in the middle of a Bible study by Beth Moore entitled "Stepping Up, a Journey Through the Psalms of Ascent". In the beginning of the study she encouraged us to humbly lay down before God each day...lay all the way down on our faces...nose to rug. I choose to do this every day in my basement (low as I could get:) so that is why you'll see me document my journey as self-abasement days (mixed in with comments on the Psalm studied). The 15 Psalms of Ascent are #120-134. They correspond with the 15 steps at the Nicanor Gate of the Temple. They represent a pilgrimage…an upward journey. They also are thought to be songs of the journey from Babylon back to Jerusalem (just as the Jews were exiles in Babylon…I’m an exile…a captivity of my own right now). If God is inviting me to “GO UP” then He must have allowed me to go way down first. So I am on a journey with God and He is drawing me up the steps closer to Him and His plans and purposes. This is my pilgrimage!

Day13 self-abasement. I again know that I am in the presence of peace and I am to "Trust in the Lord with all my heart". I am feeling somewhat sad that I have nothing to give to God. My verbal praises feel empty compared to the enormity of who He is. I crawled up into a ball and felt like child before God. As I'm writing this I'm reminded that at times we must "die to live". Perhaps I'm being brought toward the core of my humanness and inability to "be" without God.

Days14-15 self-abasement. The experience has been less peace and more agitation. I had a vision of a presence within me...a gray, sloth-man who was something like a faceless, spineless mummenschanz creature. I immediately despised him and felt repulsed. I mentioned in a previous post that, "I’ve become cynical and lost my naïve joie de vive....I want to arrive at a Spirit-filled truth that can sustain me through the loneliness and meaninglessness." Perhaps that faceless creature represents that pit of despair. And due to the length of this season, I'm assuming a stronghold. So when God shows you there's something to get delivered from what do you do? My knee jerk reaction was to never tell a soul how weird and sinful I am but, after striking down the pride, I called my bff and favorite deliverer-er Kristy for a prayer appointment and chose to blog about it. Previous lesson learned: always bring the sin into the light! The enemy only has power in the darkness...hidden within the lies and deceit. I'm not surprised that part of my current pilgrimage will involve some deliverance work and I actually feel encouraged and hopeful that God has a grand leap forward in store. I trust You Lord, I surrender this to You Lord and choose to be transformed.

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Day 10, 11, 12 self-abasement. The last few days of aspiring humble submission before the Lord have centerered upon very quiet, peaceful communion. "Be still and know that I am God". I'm in awe of the depth of quiet I am experiencing. If I could put words on it, it feels as if I'm going deeper and deeper into His presence. By day 12 I experience physical warmth in addition to the quiet peace. Since my current Bible study is to reflect the journey of ascent, I find myself walking through the days expecting forward movement, discovery, and greater levels of understanding. What will emerge as one connects deeper and deeper in communion with God. My human instinct is to worry about being overwhelmed by His presence but that is not what God has unfolded for me in our times together.

One puzzling statement I received from God was "find the secrets of the garden" (I can't remember if He said secret or secrets).

I went back and assembled the pieces of this present journey of ascent that connect with a garden (ie. these are statements from past posts)...

• I saw a vision of a young girl on her hands and knees planting a seed in very fertile soil. God said, “Watch it grow.” The Lord is providing the fertile soil for my growth along this journey…seeds will be planted and growth is the outcome. I didn’t provide the soil, I’m not providing the seeds but this is all God’s work within me.


• My feet have arrived upon the fertile soil of the Lord’s house of peace.


• [the City of Peace] I was reminded of the phrase “bloom where you’re planted”


• Perhaps the tears were watering the seeds just sowed in the fertile soil (day 3).


• It’s not my job to see God’s work but to continue to be obedient to minister where He plants me.

Hmmm...growth, God's provision, God's peace, obedience...the secrets are vast. Or perhaps that's the secret...God and His Kingdom are beyond fathoming. Perhaps the secret is that our wisdom, knowledge, understanding and experience of God and His Kingdom grow and expand as we allow the Gardener to tend to every detail. There is no end to the depth and breadth of the knowledge of the Kingdom in relationship with God. We can never define the intricate, complex grandeur of the Kingdom but we can trust the Gardener fully. Give Him the fullest measure of the fertile soil of your heart and He will create a masterpiece. Perhaps the secret is a journey of trust? The fall of man was a fall of trust. Adam and Eve stopped trusting God and His provision in the garden and trusted the serpent and their own desires.

As I continue this pilgrimage deeper and deeper into the presence and fellowship of God I want to trust Him, grow in that trust and be challenged to go beyond...

Psalm 124 study...God is for us, on our side. In contrast to believing God's is indeed on our side...Beth describes us this way, "We proved a terrible disappointment to God, but because He is faithful to His covenant, He's obligated to see the plan to completion. Therefore, He tolerates us because He's stuck with us." How true:) I received the Psalm 23:6 verse "Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life..." I found the word "follow" is also translated "chase after me" and "pursue me". That brought a whole new new meaning to that precious verse. Not only is God for us as Psalm 124 unveils but He pursues us and chases after us. Thank You Lord for Your pursuing love and faithful presence.

Is this part of the journey? First thing after my self-abasement today I discovered the Todd Bentley website regarding the Florida outpouring at Ignite Church. Hmmm. God, I'm listening!