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I am consistently awed by God’s presence and revelation during our quiet times together. (If you’re just joining me, I’m documenting a pilgrimage I’m experiencing as I work the Beth Moore Bible Study Psalms of Ascent. I daily walk down to the basement and lay down humbly before the Father. I call this self-abasement.)

This morning I spent the majority of the time crying. I feel so unworthy of God’s grace and presence…why would our amazing God want to spend time with me and bless me so abundantly. Modeled from a previous vision, I have been placing my hands upon God’s feet. This morning His feet turned 90 degrees and asked me to face the same direction. I turned and saw the sun rise in the east. Attached to the sun, and looking like a hot air balloon, was a mattress with a mystery person upon the bed. Watch the sun (the Son) rise and raise the sick with Him. Keep your eyes upon Jesus and watch Him do the work of healing. God spoke the words to me…"I anoint you with the gift of healing…guard your gift…keep your eyes on Jesus". I immediately dismissed this as “wishful thinking” but God repeated His words. I receive that Lord! Lord, all I can do is humbly submit to You each day and use my Spirit-led heart and hands to minister wherever You place me. Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”

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In the middle of the amazing pilgrimage God has blessed me with, I was even more blessed with an exciting week's vacation in San Diego. I continued my study but didn't bring my electronic connections to the world so no blogs for awhile. I have quite a bit to update so let me see how I can document this simply.

Oppression (Psalm 129)- The topic of oppression screamed out over a few days...not external oppression but the kind that is generated from within. I saw the depths of my own self-idolatry, self-pity, self-shame. I half-laughed as I browsed through a San Diego magazine where 80% of the printing was geared toward plastic surgery, liposuction, skin rejuvination, etc. As I read through the ads I began wondering what I should do first? Liposuction probably...just start sculpting away. When will I ever be free from the urge to upgrade my body, my looks? It has indeed been a life long place of oppression. In Beth Moore's study she wrote of birds...God made birds to be free...I have been made to be free. I need to mend these broken wings that have constricted my ability to be free. Do I want to pose for the world or for God? Here lies the healing from this oppression, 1Corinthians 3:18 "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." I need to pose for the Lord, letting His light shine through me. Who needs lipo when I can be transformed into His likeness. Why would anyone even want to look to the physical body when they can see the reflection of the Lord on the face...through the eyes.

In these same reflections, I was reminded of a very disturbing dream I had years ago. I was plunged deep into a hole in a wall. It felt like death and eternal separation from God. I could still remember the fear I felt as I realized I would be imprisoned and alone for eternity. But this day, God gave me a vision of release from the hole...from the oppression. I felt freedom!

The Robe - As I continued my work of laying before the Lord, I had a vision of my hands at His feet. He told me to grab His robe. I immediately thought of the woman who grabbed hold of Jesus' robe and she was healed. To her, Jesus said, "your faith has healed you." As I grabbed hold of God's robe in my vision I realized there was no robe in the front where I reached. Hmmm..."Now faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see". Perhaps I am to prepare for an encounter requiring deep faith. I looked up the priest's garments to see if there was any correlation with my vision. (I just reread that sentence and it sounds crude:) I went to my Bible and found Scripture related to the priestly garments (much better) Ah...Exodus 28:31-32 "Make the robe of the ephod entirely of blue cloth, with an opening for the head in its center." I wonder if this opening continued down the front as my vision revealed? Not only was my heart blessed by the message of 'faith without sight' but it was also a very intimate moment with God.

The Hand - this reflection with God made me tremble with joy. As I was on the floor laying humbly and praisefully before God He reached out His hand to me and asked me to stand up. I stood and He put His palms out for me to touch...ten fingers and palms placed against my ten fingers and palms. At that moment our hearts visually became one. He moved His hand and placed it upon my head and said "From my hand to your hands...I will pour My healing power." (I've always asked God for His power and anointing to heal so I wanted this to mean that God would be granting this anointing...only time will tell.) I wiped some of my own tears from my face and then held out my palms to God. Two huge tears fell from Him and landed in my hands. "I am saddened and grieved by the sufferings of this world." I poured the tears around me in a complete circle and the compassionate feelings of the Lord encircled me and grew up into me. I am to see/feel the sufferings of the world with the same heart of God. In regard to healing God said, "He will tell me when healings are being done." He will be present as I minister healing...from His right hand to my hands and an assurance from His voice. Thank You Lord...I receive that. I laid down again and praised and thanked God. Praise you Father, praise You!!!

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God is amazing! The message He used to bring healing during my recent prayer time parallels the Beth Moore Bible study I'm continuing. Passover was the key in the prayer time. The day after Passover begins the Feast of Unleavened Bread and that is exactly where I am in the study. What a journey! The Feast of Unleavened Bread for me, will signify putting off the old, evil desires and putting on new, righteous desires. Ephesians 4:22-24 "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." The leaven symbolizes the evil and corrupted so that's got to go! The feast lasted 7 days days so I'm going to spend the next 7 days working Eph. 4:22-24 in whatever way God brings conviction.

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Before beginning day 13 let me provide a brief recap. I am in the middle of a Bible study by Beth Moore entitled "Stepping Up, a Journey Through the Psalms of Ascent". In the beginning of the study she encouraged us to humbly lay down before God each day...lay all the way down on our faces...nose to rug. I choose to do this every day in my basement (low as I could get:) so that is why you'll see me document my journey as self-abasement days (mixed in with comments on the Psalm studied). The 15 Psalms of Ascent are #120-134. They correspond with the 15 steps at the Nicanor Gate of the Temple. They represent a pilgrimage…an upward journey. They also are thought to be songs of the journey from Babylon back to Jerusalem (just as the Jews were exiles in Babylon…I’m an exile…a captivity of my own right now). If God is inviting me to “GO UP” then He must have allowed me to go way down first. So I am on a journey with God and He is drawing me up the steps closer to Him and His plans and purposes. This is my pilgrimage!

Day13 self-abasement. I again know that I am in the presence of peace and I am to "Trust in the Lord with all my heart". I am feeling somewhat sad that I have nothing to give to God. My verbal praises feel empty compared to the enormity of who He is. I crawled up into a ball and felt like child before God. As I'm writing this I'm reminded that at times we must "die to live". Perhaps I'm being brought toward the core of my humanness and inability to "be" without God.

Days14-15 self-abasement. The experience has been less peace and more agitation. I had a vision of a presence within me...a gray, sloth-man who was something like a faceless, spineless mummenschanz creature. I immediately despised him and felt repulsed. I mentioned in a previous post that, "I’ve become cynical and lost my naïve joie de vive....I want to arrive at a Spirit-filled truth that can sustain me through the loneliness and meaninglessness." Perhaps that faceless creature represents that pit of despair. And due to the length of this season, I'm assuming a stronghold. So when God shows you there's something to get delivered from what do you do? My knee jerk reaction was to never tell a soul how weird and sinful I am but, after striking down the pride, I called my bff and favorite deliverer-er Kristy for a prayer appointment and chose to blog about it. Previous lesson learned: always bring the sin into the light! The enemy only has power in the darkness...hidden within the lies and deceit. I'm not surprised that part of my current pilgrimage will involve some deliverance work and I actually feel encouraged and hopeful that God has a grand leap forward in store. I trust You Lord, I surrender this to You Lord and choose to be transformed.

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Day 10, 11, 12 self-abasement. The last few days of aspiring humble submission before the Lord have centerered upon very quiet, peaceful communion. "Be still and know that I am God". I'm in awe of the depth of quiet I am experiencing. If I could put words on it, it feels as if I'm going deeper and deeper into His presence. By day 12 I experience physical warmth in addition to the quiet peace. Since my current Bible study is to reflect the journey of ascent, I find myself walking through the days expecting forward movement, discovery, and greater levels of understanding. What will emerge as one connects deeper and deeper in communion with God. My human instinct is to worry about being overwhelmed by His presence but that is not what God has unfolded for me in our times together.

One puzzling statement I received from God was "find the secrets of the garden" (I can't remember if He said secret or secrets).

I went back and assembled the pieces of this present journey of ascent that connect with a garden (ie. these are statements from past posts)...

• I saw a vision of a young girl on her hands and knees planting a seed in very fertile soil. God said, “Watch it grow.” The Lord is providing the fertile soil for my growth along this journey…seeds will be planted and growth is the outcome. I didn’t provide the soil, I’m not providing the seeds but this is all God’s work within me.


• My feet have arrived upon the fertile soil of the Lord’s house of peace.


• [the City of Peace] I was reminded of the phrase “bloom where you’re planted”


• Perhaps the tears were watering the seeds just sowed in the fertile soil (day 3).


• It’s not my job to see God’s work but to continue to be obedient to minister where He plants me.

Hmmm...growth, God's provision, God's peace, obedience...the secrets are vast. Or perhaps that's the secret...God and His Kingdom are beyond fathoming. Perhaps the secret is that our wisdom, knowledge, understanding and experience of God and His Kingdom grow and expand as we allow the Gardener to tend to every detail. There is no end to the depth and breadth of the knowledge of the Kingdom in relationship with God. We can never define the intricate, complex grandeur of the Kingdom but we can trust the Gardener fully. Give Him the fullest measure of the fertile soil of your heart and He will create a masterpiece. Perhaps the secret is a journey of trust? The fall of man was a fall of trust. Adam and Eve stopped trusting God and His provision in the garden and trusted the serpent and their own desires.

As I continue this pilgrimage deeper and deeper into the presence and fellowship of God I want to trust Him, grow in that trust and be challenged to go beyond...

Psalm 124 study...God is for us, on our side. In contrast to believing God's is indeed on our side...Beth describes us this way, "We proved a terrible disappointment to God, but because He is faithful to His covenant, He's obligated to see the plan to completion. Therefore, He tolerates us because He's stuck with us." How true:) I received the Psalm 23:6 verse "Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life..." I found the word "follow" is also translated "chase after me" and "pursue me". That brought a whole new new meaning to that precious verse. Not only is God for us as Psalm 124 unveils but He pursues us and chases after us. Thank You Lord for Your pursuing love and faithful presence.

Is this part of the journey? First thing after my self-abasement today I discovered the Todd Bentley website regarding the Florida outpouring at Ignite Church. Hmmm. God, I'm listening!

why ascend?

The Lord is gracious to escort me on a new spiritual journey but why? Is it for my happiness? While I know God desires to delight me just for sake of enjoyment and personal growth, the bigger picture involves transforming what you learn in those quiet times to serving others. In my usual Thursday afternoon spirituality group with women recovering from eating disorders, the bulk of our conversation revolved around the concept of focusing the eyes of our heart upon God. The exact message God used this morning to transform my heart was immediately used to teach, encourage and bless others. I thank you Lord for blessing me in our quiet time together but even greater thanks that others are served and blessed through You. That’s why I’m on this journey - to glorify the Lord through sharing the blessing!

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Day9 - self-abasement. My times with the Lord are getting longer and longer. I don’t want to leave His absolute peace when I am on my face, in a fully surrendered posture and a growing, transforming, surrendered heart. I asked God to help me have fresh eyes and spirit toward my work. I have become somewhat disillusioned with the ministry to patients in the mental health arena. I see change but I also see regression at a regular rate. Why don’t I see healing and deliverance that reflects God’s healing presence. Have I become pessimistic toward Your hand at work? The Lord answered me with 2 Scriptures: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding…” Prov. 3:5 and “…He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion…” Philippians 1:6. I allowed those verses to wash over my heart and renew my faith in God’s work and His assignment for me. Do I trust that as I minster that God is at work in hearts and will bring that heart to completion? It’s not my job to see God’s work but to continue to be obedient to minister where He plants me.

God has been so gracious to bless me with visions as I lay before Him. Today I saw steel clamping down onto my hands. What at first felt a bit restricting turned out to be protective armor upon my hands. Of course the Ephesians 6 “full armor of God” came to mind. What do my hands represent and why must they have armor? In that moment my hands seemed to represent “hands of praise”.

It is good to praise the LORD and make music to your name, O Most High…Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name…Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits…Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever…Praise the LORD. Blessed is the man who fears the LORD, who finds great delight in his commands….

…and this one I’ll memorize…“Lift up your hands in the sanctuary and praise the LORD.” Ps. 134:2

As I type this I realize those are the same hands that minister to the blessed souls that God puts in my path. Guard your hands for the work of the Lord!

Transition to the Bible study…the study continued with Psalm 123. Keep your eyes on the Lord because if they’re not, they’re on your flesh or your circumstances. Neither of the latter gazes leads to peace, trust, praise or godliness. I was given a glimpse of a cycle of praise. As our eyes are focused on the Lord we hear, listen to His voice, His Word, His wisdom which, when obeyed, lead to Christlikeness and PRAISE! As our eyes are focused on the Lord we feel His love, joy, peace and we can dispense the same to this world and this all again leads to PRAISE! As our eyes are focused on the Lord we experience His will, plans, purposes with Romans 8:28 eyes which grows our trust and faith and leads to PRAISE! This cycle is quickly broken when our eyes are on ourselves, our flesh, our circumstances. No praise released in that downward spiral. Lord, thank you for moving me to this place of face down surrender in Your presence as I press into fresh eyes fixed upon You!

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Saturday night worship service…During Communion time as I grasped a hold of the Lord’s feet, I saw Him crouch down to be with me at my level. He tenderly put His hand around the back of my head as I experienced the love of His touch.

Day6 - self-abasement. God said He loves me both before and after my experience. I praised God for the past and started crying, just spontaneously…when finished, I praised God for the present and again, crying…when finished I praised God for the future and again, crying. There is sadness in the way of fully praising God…surrender the sadness. Tears are now shed upon my towel. Perhaps the tears were watering the seeds just sowed in the fertile soil (day 3). I came upstairs and feel extremely tired and worn out vs. the usual joy and peace. Hmm, something happened.

Day7 - self-abasement. As usual I started my time with God praising Him in His magnificence. I remind myself, You are God and I am not. I grasped hold of His feet and felt His hand around the back of my head as He had on Saturday night. I meditated through the past week’s inspirations and thanked God for His presence and revelation. Today was all about peace and fully surrendering to the quiet and silence before the Lord. I wondered if this was the state that Jesus often retreated to in His quiet times of prayer. Peace in the midst of Emmanuel…God with us! Just before arising I heard the Lord say, I have one more thing to tell you…you have a purpose overseas in Cambodia.” WHAT? You’ve got to be kidding me! At that moment I thought, OK, that couldn’t be God…I’ll need oodles of confirmation for that. How quickly my trust in hearing from Him shuts down. I arose and began the 2^nd week of the Beth Moore study. This was part 2 of Psalm 122…the City of Peace. I was reminded of the phrase “bloom where you’re planted”. Whether we are in a place of distress or safe in our homes and churches…we need to pray for that place, that assignment, and ask the Lord for His blessings. Lord do you have a new assignment for me? Will I be replanted? I’ll pray! I’ll patiently take the pilgrimage up these steps of ascent and delight in whatever You bring!

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Day4 - self-abasement. I layed down once again and grabbed hold of the Lord’s feet. This morning I had a vision of rats coming and biting at my hands. In Jesus’ name I asked for the protection of God (as He was just described yesterday in Psalm 121-was He testing to see if I was learning anything:) The rats disappeared…praise God. I had a glorious time of praise and prayer and the word I received from God today was “perfume”…the fragrance of Christ. This is not just a journey with a destination but WHO we are along the way. I am reminded to be the fragrance of Christ to those around me…love them, serve them and connect them with His presence and truth. The subsequent study time centered on Psalm 122. The pilgrimage lands the traveler in Jerusalem…the City of Peace…”the house of the Lord… our feet are standing within your gates…peace be within your walls… peace be with you.” This Psalm reminded me that we are the Lord’s temple and the peace is within us, within our walls, within our hearts. I have the peace of the Lord within me - praise God! My feet have arrived upon the fertile soil of the Lord’s house of peace. That peace is also the fragrance of Christ. Lord, send me forth on this pilgrimage as a fragrant servant and dispenser of peace. Let the peace of God dwell richly in my heart so that I may spread that peace to others. Protect and guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

Well I’m done with week 1 of the Beth Moore study…I’m supposed to wait til next week to continue…I can’t wait! I’ll continue my self-abasements until then.

the ascent begins

Wow…my last post was Sunday night, the evening before a new Bible study. I now see that God brought me to the exact place I needed to be to enter into this new study. To quote a few of my “pit”iful statements: “I have developed a resentment toward the world…I’ve become cynical and lost my naïve joie de vive….so disconnected from the world…everything is meaningless…Is this what they call the dark night of the soul? Is that You forming this darkness?.” I ended with, “I could use some fresh insight here.” Lo and behold the Lord is definitely giving me fresh insight. The study is Beth Moore’s “Stepping Up, a journey through the Psalms of Ascent”. I never heard of that before? The 15 Psalms of Ascent are #120-134. They correspond with the 15 steps at the Nicanor Gate of the Temple. They represent a journey…an upward journey. They also are thought to be songs of the journey from Babylon back to Jerusalem (just as the Jews were exiles in Babylon…I’m an exile…a captivity of my own right now). If God is inviting me to “GO UP” then He must have allowed me to go way down first. So I am so energized and passionate about beginning a journey with God as He draws me up the steps closer to Him and His plans and purposes. This is a new pilgrimage! God has given me the impression that He is more excited than I am…He can’t wait to show me whatever is at the end of this journey. Beth encouraged us to get down on our faces every day before God and humble ourselves. I’m heading down to the lowest place in my house, the basement, for a little self-abasement every day. I’d like to journal about this pilgrimage.

Day1 self-abasement. God said, “There are things you need to let go of before you ascend-what do you need to surrender? What’s too heavy to bring on the journey? Let go of expectations and disappointments of the world (including the church) and see through fresh eyes.” I do have baggage of self-pity and woe is meisms. OK…let go! I followed with the Bible study and read through the first Psalm of Ascent 120. “In my distress, I called to the Lord….woe to me”. That describes my current experiene to a tee!!! Another confirmation that I’m exactly where I need to be! The study also reminded me to praise God throughout this journey. Praise for His work in the past, His work and presence today and the glorious hope for the future. The study also reminded me that God redeems along the way…expect redemption, change, pain and growth.

Day2 self-abasement. I saw a vision before me of God’s feet and He said, “Put your hands on my feet. People want My hand of power but your solid foundation is here at my feet.” God wants me to hold fast to Him…each day of self-abasement I will grab hold of Him. The study reviewed Psalm 121…”where does my help come from, my help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and earth….the Lord protects you (x4). What do we need most on a pilgrimage but protection. In the psalm He says “I will not allow your foot to slip.” That’s such a glorious parallel to being told by God to grab His feet. We won’t slip when we’re grasping hold of our Lord! I will hold on, trust You and praise You on this journey.

Day3 self-abasement. I saw a vision of a young girl on her hands and knees planting a seed in very fertile soil. God said, “Watch it grow.” The Lord is providing the fertile soil for my growth along this journey…seeds will be planted and growth is the outcome. I didn’t provide the soil, I’m not providing the seeds but this is all God’s work within me. Praise Him!

I’m sure there’s so much more to come!

estranged from the world

I feel the need to post a journal entry since it involves my trouble with the world. While these thoughts and feelings have brewed for some time it was a church sermon today that brought me to think afresh. The message was on reconciliation. Every once in a while we all need to be reminded to take an inventory of anyone we have outstanding conflicts with and then seek reconciliation. Well I can’t think of a single individual but have the type of bittnerness within my heart that is rooted when resentment emerges against an individual. Who am I resentful toward…perhaps the question is ‘what’. I believe I have developed a resentment toward the world…toward people as a whole. I’ve become cynical and lost my naïve joie de vive. I remind myself that as Christians we are “aliens and strangers in the world” and should therefore not get hooked in to expecting anything from the world. But what about brothers and sisters in Christ? My cynicism is linked to the body of believers as well. How did I find myself in a place where I doubt even the goodness of the body. Are we so entwined with the world that our behaviors and motives look more like the alien world and less like a loving/serving body? Are we to expect anything…of anybody…except God. Is it a wonderful thing to be so disconnected from the world that it’s just you and God? Should I be celebrating my estrangement from the world? If this was the case why would loneliness be the norm? I was reading Ecclesiastes last night and was again reminded that everything is meaningless. Perhaps I have the meaningless blues these days. Where do I go to get rejuvenated with the Spirit-filled answer? I don’t want to settle for another short-lived worldly answer. I want to arrive at a Spirit-filled truth that can sustain me through the loneliness and meaninglessness. I read the Word, I try small groups, I go to church, I serve, I help people find their way back to God…..then, I go home and live through the loneliness. I could use some fresh insight here. Is this what they call the dark night of the soul? Is that You forming this darkness? “I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these things.” Isaiah 45:7